Confused

So last week I let myself be over my ex and try to move on. There was a guy that I had been talking to a bit. We followed each other on every social media possible and texted frequently. He lives in a different city than me so we don’t see each other.

But he came up near my city and invited me to spend the day with him. We went for drinks and then just chilled at his until we had sex. I didn’t blame the sex and wasn’t really wanting to but got so caught up in it and it felt good! We kept talking afterwards so I wasn’t too concerned that I was a fuck buddy.

Then I went down to his city for a gay pride weekend. The first day I was there he came over on his lunch break to fuck me. Which again was fun but I didn’t just want to sleep with this guy. We discussed potentially catching up that night but he had a late work commitment so I told him not to worry and asked if we were still on for dinner and drinks on Friday.

He said we were but then 8pm on Friday he said he had just finished work and was feeling sick and went home. So I got totally blown off but he said he would message me to meet the next day. Well that never happened, we didn’t see each other the rest of the weekend.

Our communication has severely lessened since then. I just feel cheap and used when I had actually allowed myself to feel again. If were just to be fuck buddies thats fine, I can deal with that but we never spoke like that was to be it. So I dunno, I wanna ask him whats the deal but I don’t want to come across as needy. He still likes my activities on social media so it just seems weird to do that if all you wanted was a fuck buddy.

Do I just need to see what happens next time I am down in his city or do I leave it?

Acceptance

So I live now in Australia and where I live it isn’t exactly the most accepting of homosexual places. Yes we have gay bars and no I have never seen a bashing. But it is still a huge thing to come out and a lot of people are closeted. So yeh I am out and pretty much fully out. But not particularly over social media. It doesn’t take a genius to work it out but I don’t exactly have GAY written all over it. My ex and I were never FB official and I don’t parade around a lot so it was never a real issue.

Anyway I was not out at work when I worked at the restaurant before I left, but now I am back and just didn’t want to tell them. I didn’t want to have the discussion, I didn’t want to hear it all basically. Then I found out they knew, the manager knew when he rehired me (he has me on Facebook), all the chefs know and the wait staff couldn’t give a flying fuck.

Obviously its hospitality and it is Australia, so we make jokes about it but in good humour and nothing I am uncomfortable with. But the manager surprised me when he said to me that I had to tell him if anything was inappropriate or too far. Which surprised me to see him be so nice and cool about it.

So its nice, I can be my full self at work and people don’t care. Just shows that acceptance is happening and everyone just needs to take a few small steps to realise that.

Feeling Sorry

This is depressing. I just feel like shit, and I feel sorry for myself which is even shitter.

I am not someone to regularly complain and whine. I am a white middle-class male. Yes I’m gay but in the grand scheme of things I am luckier than a lot of other people. Yet I can’t sleep. I torture myself by checking my ex’s instagram, Facebook and tumblr. Because I just want to be back with him, I want one night to hold him again. Fuck I also want to know if he is going through the same pain.

I can’t talk about it with him cause its not fair on him. He is also trying to move on but clearly succeeding more than I am. There is no point to this post. I just wanted to vent.

Moving On

I don’t know how to move on. I will be the first to admit it. For some context…

I lived in the UK for about two years. During that period I was in a relationship. I was very happy we went on holidays, we opened up to each other and we were both our first gay relationship. Then it ended because my visa ran out.

For a whole host of reasons we couldn’t get married. Primarily that we were both only 21 which I think it far too young to decide on marriage particularly after only a year and a half together. He couldn’t come back with me because he still had uni to do and well financially wouldnt have worked.

And I think I am moving on. I do but then I see an instagram post of him at an art gallery with another guy. Who I know he met on grindr and I just go into a slump. I become moody, I am tired all the time, I can’t be bothered to make social contact with people and things I once enjoyed I no longer do. The advantages is I don’t drink anymore and I work out a fair bit.

But now theres a new guy. A new guy who I have met and I am super self conscious about because he is hot, gay, popular, successful and very much a person a lot of people would desire. We have started to talk and talk a lot but I am still self conscious about whether he likes me or not. I am going on a date with him next week.

I am both excited and feeling extremely shitty about the prospect. Its only been two months since I have split and I don’t want this guy to be a rebound guy. I still have such strong feelings for my ex, because we never really broke up with each other. I like this new guy a lot and I just don’t know. Is it wrong to want to go on a date again?

GAY TRIBES

I have an issue. I am a 21-year-old male. I am not fat but I don’t have rippling abs. I do however have body hair, probably a little bit more than this guy…

So I think in gay terms I am either a cub or an otter. Personally I would say I am too big to be considered an otter. However I am not quite a bear yet, thanks to lack of body fat and hair.

Not my type but good muscles.

Bears do not turn me on. Its a preference thing and that is why I am so afraid to become one. I am embracing the gym life and trying to become a little bit more like a jock…

Want I want to become.

Its weird to think in terms of tribes. And its weird to think you can change tribes but that is what I want to do.

I want to be a jock, mostly because that is what turns me on so I want to become that. However my question is this, do I get rid of my body hair? I have a bit so it might look weird. And also am I turning off people that are into that. There is a pretty cute guy, he is a twink, that is into me and I’m trying to impress him. But I dunno if getting rid of my body hair will do that or not.

Ignore the face but this is the body of the twink I’m hitting on.

People say women are objectified all the time. Which is true but no one discuss the objectification of men. Particularly gay men. In all the papers and on tumblr and social media, gay men have rippling abs or giant cocks, or look great in underwear etc. But what about if we have body issues just like everyone else. Grindr doesn’t help this because everyone is so focused on looks. Its an issue to which I don’t have a solution really. All I know is that i’m not happy with my body although I probably should be.

Who else has that problem? Of being in a tribe but wanting to be another. This is purely on body image and not in personality. Ill focus on that later.

Hello Gays

So this is my new blog. Its for the layman gay. The everyday gay man. I know from experience that I sometimes feel left out in this gay world. The media pays so much attention to the queens, the drag queens, the strugglers, the fighters and the flamboyant. No media attention is given to the rest of us, I presume because we aren’t an interesting story. But I know that there are a lot out there like me. There are gays that are out, there are those that are not. We all have our own battles and this is basically where I want to express mine. 

Full disclosure I am doing this anonymously. That is not because I am an ashamed gay man. Far from it. However unfortunately this world is still homophobic and I don’t want my career to be defined by “Oh the gay one”. Also by remaining anonymous it means I can be totally honest with you, the reader.

I do not know why I want to write this. I guess I have a lot to say and no one to say it to. I was in a relationship and it was absolutely amazing. I could talk to him about anything. We separated recently through no decision of our own but sometimes the politics of the world gets in the way. So stay tuned people because this blog will cover love, politics, underwear, grindr, sex and basically anything I want to write about.

I always welcome feedback so please do come and leave a comment.